No More Diets

I was recently asked if I had to give up one thing what would it be?  That one’s easy.  I’d give up diets! I’m 77 years young and evolving.  I’ve tried every diet known to women.  We all know men don’t diet.

To lose weight after my first pregnancy, I used the Rita diet – ½ cup no-sugar Jello with Cool Whip 18-times a day. Lost 50 lbs.  Never looked at another cup of Jello in the face again.

Then I tried the Flush diet. Clear liquids and four enemas for 20-days. Lost 20 lbs. Peed my brains out, but miraculous my kidneys are still working.

Next I tried the no-carb Atkin’s diet. Didn’t work. I gained 13 lbs. Don’t tell me fat is good for you. Too much fat makes you, well fat.

When I developed Type 2 diabetes I tried the barf diet. No carbs, no sugar, so many grains, veggies, and fruit I puked almost daily. Lost 30 lbs.

In seminary I tried the Treadmill diet. I treaded 40 minutes a day at 3.5 miles per hours for 5 months. Sweated off 18lbs.  Put it back on ten days after I stopped treading. Sold my treadmill.

High blood pressure sent me on the No-salt diet. Stayed on it three days. Everything tasted like day-old cat piss.

Desperate, I tried the Vegan diet for two months – no ovo, no dairio, no bovo, no fisho, no chicko, only crunchy rabbit food and farty beans. Didn’t work; spent hours controlling diarrhea. Lost nothing but my appetite.

My last diet was the Eat to Live diet. More beans, more rabbit food, more misery. No dining pleasure.

When I started dieting 55 years ago I weighed 150 lbs. Today, I weigh 150 lbs. What’s with that? So, no more diets for me. I am now on medicinal sustenance – Lipitor, Nexium, Plavix, Victoza, Norvasc, Toprol XL, Metformin. You name it. I’m on it.

And, for your information, I now eat anyImage result for bacon cheeseburger and fries images food my heart desires.  “Hey Honey, are we having your delicious bacon cheeseburger and fries for dinner? I bought the blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream for dessert.” Slice of blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream and berries Stock Photo - 9240564

Yum.

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