The Bras Are Off

The Bras Off

I recently had to have a CT scan, but before it could be done, the technician said I had to have an EKG (Electrocardiogram – why the initials are a “K” and not a “C” is beyond me).  As he was about to lift my blouse to attach the electrodes, I said, “Now don’t be scared, but I have no bra on.” He hesitated. I added, “I haven’t worn a bra in at least 30 years. They are instruments of torture.” I don’t know what he thought after that, but the female assistant burst into laughter and said, “Can you stay here all day, you are my kinda woman, and after the morning I’ve had, I want you to stay and cheer me up.” We both chuckled. The flush-faced male technician lifted my blouse, attached the electrodes, and carried on trying hard to make me believe my drooping ladies were an everyday occurrence to him.

CT Scan, CAT Scan

This bra talk got me thinking about not wearing my bra since I have not worn a bra in over 30 years. Oh, by the way, in case anyone is saying, “Ewwww,” right about now, I always wear two layers or at least a camisole, so my girl’s nipples won’t offend. I have found that bras don’t have any measurable effect on keeping my girls up and bouncy. Inch by cruel inch, they slowly slithered past my waistline and are now becoming intimate with my belly button. Each morning I stand nude in front of the mirror and cup them in both hands and lift them to my twenty-year-old something position. Of course, not for their benefit, but so I can have a moment to recall their glory days. Those perfect 34B orbs were the envy of all my friends. Especially Andrea, who was a whopping 44DD, and Penny, who was a minuscule 30AA.

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Over the years, I have also learned that bras may also contribute to cancer. I won’t bore you with all the research details, but it has something to do with constricting our blood vessels and lymph-somethings. Anything that constricts or binds up the flow of our bodily fluids can’t be good. So it makes a lot of sense that it might be a cause for any number of rather unpleasant consequences, including cancer.  Surely kidney stones back up our kidneys and are very painful.  Bladder infections can form large blood clots in the bladder and contribute to pain and suffering.  We all know that blocked arteries cause heart attacks, constipation isn’t good, and God knows what else goes on underneath our unique sack of skin in the dark recesses of our body.

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Come to think of it, in our au naturel state, nothing binds us up.  Maybe the healthiest alternative is to go naked.  It has its advantages – we don’t have to keep “in style,” no dry-cleaning bills, no need for a washer and dryer, a walk-in closet space could be used as an extra bedroom for small people.  We could fill our minds with much more helpful information instead of wasting it deciding what to wear, what color looks best, or whether or not a particular outfit makes us look fat.  And our time – think of the time spent shopping for clothes – hey, we could read the classics, listen to music, volunteer at a non-profit, play with our children or grandchildren, write that book……the possibilities are endless…or at least bra-less.

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