I find that I am in the process of building anew my life without my spouse. It has only been eleven months since he died, and while the pain has abated, the memories are fresh for the picking depending on my mood.
I have found a new freedom to make my own choices without concern for another and I finally find it exhilarating rather than guilty. Guilty that I felt free from some bond that shouldn’t be broken, but was by death. I think we hang on to that bond out of some sense that if we let go it will feel as if we had abandoned our love for the one we lost. Truth is, we haven’t for that special love will always be something I will cherish and hold dear in my heart, but will not let it bind me to memories that prevent me from making free choices. I have, however, lost that companion and advisor when I question one of my choices and must rely completely on my own information, intuition, and inclination.
And, if my choice turns out to be the wrong one, I’ll be the only one who has to deal with it and make it right or abandon it without another to say, “I told you so” or “Why didn’t you listen to me?” I feel like the caged bird set free to fly into the world to explore a life heretofore restricted and restrained. Yes, I am going to enjoy this new freedom that allows me to rebuild my life anew, in the image of my own imagination and choice. Watch out world, here I come on wings sprouted anew.